Friday, April 24, 2009

Not our favorite Thursday

Yesterday did not turn out to be anything like I had expected. I had an appointment at 9:15 am that I thought was going to be a check up and would confirm how far a long I was with my pregnancy. We hadn't told very many people, mostly family and I was expecting to share it with the world after my appointment. The pregnancy is a big part of the reason I hadn't been blogging. Between work and picking up little B I was so tired and sick that I didn't really think of the blog.

I had been cramping for about a week so they wanted to do an ultrasound immediately to check on things. My doctor congratulated me and then proceeded to check. He measured the embrionic sac and I am in my 10th week, but then he told me that the fetus hasn't developed.

I didn't quite grasp what he was telling me, he was still moving around with the ultrasound so I thought maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought and it just wasn't at that stage yet. Then his nurse left the room and he came over to give me a hug, hold my hand and say he was sorry. He assured me that it wasn't from anything that I had done and that its something that just happens. He told me my options for removing everything and said he would meet me back out in the hall to give me a prescription for the medicine in case I wanted to do it at home.

He left the room, I broke down, got dressed and tried to collect myself before walking back out into the office. He gave me the prescription, his nurse asked if I was okay, I could only shake my head, I was trying not to loose it. The exit is back through the waiting room which was full of pregnant women and I could see that they were looking at me as I came through the door. I walked through and out as fast as I could because I was sure seeing me just traumatized these poor women and no one would want to be called next.

I knew I had to call Kyle. He was waiting to hear how the visit went. He was hoping for a call telling him that it was twins... I didn't know what to say.

Neither one of us really understood how a miscarriage, in the first trimester, could hurt so bad. We both thought it must be disappointing and sad but we never realized how painful losing that expectation is. You don't just see it as a first trimester, you see your baby, the time you will spend holding them and marveling at their soft skin, hearing coos and seeing perfect first smiles. We pictured B interacting with the baby and how they will play as they get older. Man it hurts.

I am so sorry to our friends that have gone through this before, I didn't get it. I feel better today than yesterday, and hopefully that will continue.

I still have to do the treatment to remove it, but I couldn't do it all in one day. It was just too much.

We are going to spend a lot of time this weekend with family and playing with bray.

Love to you all,


John and Casey Matern said...

I am so sorry. Please know that we are praying for you and Kyle and we love you guys!

Bobosaurus Wranlger said...

I'm so sorry Julie... a loss like that is something no one should have to go through. I know how you feel, the joy and love you already have for your future child, all of a sudden gone in an instant, it's a grievous, unfair, and devastating loss. You aren't alone, you'll be in our thoughts and we'll be sending love your way. I'm sure you have tons of local friends, but if you want to talk or get things off your chest please call or email whenever.

Terri said...

Hey j- I'm so sorry. It is so hard... It gets better with time but will never be easy. Let me know if u need anything at all. Love you.

Kelly O. said...

JULIE!!! Oh my gosh my heart is breaking for you! I am so so soooo sorry that this has happened! My thoughts and prayers go out to you and Kyle and I hope you find peace and comfort in this difficult time. Please let me know if there's anything I can do... babysit, bring meals, go workout, WHATEVER, I'm there!

Brandali said...

Julie - I am so sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through. Our thoughts and prayers are with you this weekend... I know there is nothing anyone can say but that we are thinking of you and yours, and we are so lucky to have the gospel. What an amazing baby this must have been that it was so perfect it didnt even need to be tested. You must be quite a mother to have been blessed with a perfect child.
Again we are so sorry.

Nancy said...

Julie and Kyle,

I am SO sorry you have to go through this. As someone who has gone through it a couple of times within this last year, it absolutely sucks and it is a hard thing to go through. No getting around it. If you need to talk, I am here for you. I'm not sure if it will help but I did a blog post a while back about my first miscarriage. In it I mention a book that really helped me through it. It's called Gone Too Soon by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. It helped me grasp why I was sad and that the loss of my babies was part of a bigger plan. Here is a link to the post:

Again, I am so sorry. Know that you are loved and have many people who are there for you. Don't forget to reach out. It's hard but it definitely helps. After mine I hid from the world for a while. I thought I needed it. But, in the long run, I think it did more damage than good because I started going into a depression and it took me a while to pull out. (I know! Can you believe me being depressed? Shocking!)

I hope you feel of your Savior's love for you and you will find peace and comfort in the days ahead. Again, I am here if you need me.

Love you guys!

Amy said...

I am really sorry for your loss.